You Can Take the Girl Out of Newton: How I Plan to Convert to Judaism

If only it were this easy.

Converting to Judaism is a process.  Every book and website on the topic will tell you that. I’m guessing every Rabbi will tell you the same. In Orthodox Judaism, conversion is as serious and holy as it can get, and can even involve not speaking with or seeing your spouse-to-be for an entire year while you go through the process. For many people the conversion falls somewhere between Orthodoxy and the instant spray depicted above. Though these days you can convert to Judaism online, and probably even find an ordained Rabbi to pronounce you a converted Jew for an untold price, I am not about to go down those roads.

Before I go any further, I’d like to announce the winning Rabbi from last week’s post, On Shopping for a Rabbi.  Votes have been cast and the results are in.  As of Wednesday, January 30 at 9:30 p.m. EST, 28 percent of voters chose Rabbi A, five percent chose Rabbi B, 50 percent chose Rabbi C and 17 percent chose “none of the above.”  If you chose Rabbi C, and most of you did….

You’re right!

Steve and I will be converting to Judaism at a large Reform Jewish synagogue in Manhattan.  It is convenient from both home and work. In New York City you sometimes need to be very practical about these things.  Along similar lines, the conversion program this synagogue offers seemed perfect–it’s all under one roof, the classes were to begin soon, and the timing of the classes themselves worked in our schedules. Let’s all hope Steve and I like the Rabbi when we meet her!

Beyond the rational and practical considerations, we really liked the woman we met with at the synagogue. Hopefully she represented and embodied the reality of the congregation and the conversion course accurately.  She was intellectual, funny and kind.  She seemed to understand what we are after pragmatically, while also displaying a genuine passion for her work and the mission of the program.  She made us feel like this could be an opportunity to grow intellectually, socially, and, yes, maybe even a little bit spiritually.   She told us about how the synagogue holds a Shabbat service on Friday nights aimed at a younger, hipper crowd and includes organ, guitar and other instruments.  Steve and I are musicophiles and had a particular fondness for the San Francisco Symphony’s film-house nights where they would show old movies (the original Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, for example) to the accompaniment of live organ music. You say organ we say when?! where?! We are a late 20s/early 30s couple going on 75.  Yes, we are that cool.

Her emphasis on the process being individualized was music to our ears (sorry, I have a horrible predilection for cheesy puns). It was really nice to hear that they take into consideration the background knowledge and personal experience of each individual undergoing the conversion process, rather than a one-size-fits-all approach. Growing up in Newton, attending countless Bar and Bat Mitzvahs, participating in Jewish holiday celebrations and, well, lying about being Jewish should count for something.  They should realize, on some level, that I am not going into this with total ignorance.

To summarize, converting to Judaism within the Reform denomination and at this particular synagogue will entail the following: attending weekly “Exploring Judaism” classes and meeting one-on-one with the Rabbi once or twice a month for the the next six months. When the class concludes, I will engage in an independent study under the Rabbi’s supervision and when I am deemed ready for conversion, I will be called before the Beit Din (the Rabbinic Court) to give a d’var Torah on my religious and spiritual autobiography and journey.  If the Beit Din approves, I will then enter the mikvah and emerge a Jew.  It will be summertime or maybe fall when all is said and done, but it doesn’t sound so bad, right?

***

In 2007, a NY Times article described the Amazing Girls of Newton North; the pressure to not only be Harvard-worthy smart, but to be an interesting individual, that existed within the walls of my high school. I was closer to graduating college than to my Newton days, but the article struck a nerve.

It was all too true.

As a teenager I routinely stayed up until 2 am doing my homework. I even pulled a few all-nighters studying and writing papers.  It was completely normal for friends to call after midnight to ask about the math homework. All this left in its wake a self-deprecating and often dark sense of humor (how else is one to survive something as absurd as this?), and the deep, tacit understanding that if I want to succeed, it must be painful. Competitive. A struggle. That I felt the imperative to be an overachiever in Newton is an understatement. (Note that I, and the author of the article, do not lump boys into this phenomenon. While it was indubitably challenging for my male classmates, Steve at least did not experience this).

I’ve often thought that if I woke up tomorrow in some kind of Twilight Zone dream and I was back in high school I wouldn’t be able to handle it a second time around. There were many, many tears over the agony and fear of not doing well enough.  When calculus or memorizing names and dates in history class came easily to me, I felt like something was wrong. Nothing worth doing can ever feel easy, I thought.

In many ways college was a breeze in comparison, and the culture was not so cut-throat.  Five years in San Francisco also had a mellowing-out effect and, though this is embarrassing to admit, I think I am now beginning to fully recover from the trauma of high school.  As it turns out, I’m not alone in feeling this way (read this recent NY Magazine article)

All this is to say that you can take the girl out of Newton, but you can’t take Newton out of the girl.

When I think about a Reform conversion, there is a part of me that feels the Newton-girl overachiever inside stir. Is Reform Judaism good enough? I sometimes wonder if I will ever really feel Jewish, and whether a Reform conversion will be tough enough. In Israel, Conservative and Reform conversions done outside the country are accepted, but only Orthodox conversions are accepted when done inside Israel. Still, among some of Steve’s extended family and other Orthodox Jews, a Reform conversion is not enough to be considered Jewish. As a matrilineal religion and culture, any children Steve and I may have in the future, no matter how many synagogue classes they might attend and no matter how devoted to God and Torah they may be, will not be considered Jews by many other Jews.

It would seem that to satisfy both Steve’s relatives and the Newton-girl inside me, I’d have to go through an Orthodox conversion. But, I am not, and I am more than OK with that decision.  There are philosophical and theological reasons why I feel Reform Judaism is right for me.  In my last post I wrote about how the denomination is appealing in it’s endeavor to incorporate traditional elements of Jewish practice within modern society, and it’s emphasis on being inclusive and accepting of all people. I believe that the route I am choosing is right for me and that it’s right for Steve and our relationship and lifestyle. I just hate the reputation Reform Judaism has as being somehow the weaker, diluted and not-quite-good-enough form of Judaism.  Or, maybe it’s just me who has that impression.  In the end I’m choosing to be happy and at peace with the decision: I’ve been the Newton-girl. I endured. I’m trying to be nicer to myself.

Depending on how the next six months unfold, taking additional Hebrew classes and even continuing to study Torah and become a Bat Mitzvah are not outside the realm of possibilities. In some ways, I want a Bat Mitzvah more than a wedding, and I always have. Perhaps only my sister will understand what I’m talking about here.

***

The “Convert to Judaism Instantly Spray” promises a quick and easy conversion, with the following description:

“Want to convert to Judaism without the hassle? Now’s your chance with Convert to Judaism Instantly Spray. Becoming one of the chosen people is now as easy as opening your mouth and pressing a button. Before you know it you will be craving bagels and understanding Yiddish. We tried to get this product endorsed by a Rabbi, but had no luck. Still, the spray has a refreshing minty taste and comes packaged as shown. See you in Synagogue!”

I know that the easy way out (the spray, the online conversion, the Vegas drive-thru) won’t work for me. I am an eternal proponent of  process over instantaneity. Whether this particular decision turns out to be the right one remains to be seen. Ain’t life grand?

Tell me! What do you think of my decision?

{image credit: Convert to Judaism Instantly Spray sold on stupid.com}