When you get engaged, certain questions are expected: Can I see a picture of the ring? Did he get down on one knee? When are you getting married? But, for Steve and me one question rose above all the rest: Do I need to convert to Judaism?
Let me step back for a second. First, I should note that while I was raised without a religion, Steve was raised conservative/modern Orthodox Jewish. He attended a Jewish day school through eighth grade where he had to wear a kippah. He was Bar Mitzvah’d. He’s been to Israel three times. He kept kosher until age 17. He knows Hebrew (though he might feign otherwise). Today, though, Steve is culturally Jewish rather than religiously so. He celebrates the major Jewish holidays with his family, and with me, but no longer follows the halakhah (he doesn’t follow the Jewish laws about keeping kosher and no longer wears the identifiable garb). Today Steve maintains his elite societal status as a Jew solely for the right to tell and laugh at Jewish jokes (that’s a joke!) I hope one day Steve will write a comment or guest blog post describing his Jewish journey (hint, hint, Steve) because it’s really much more nuanced than what I’ve described above. All this is to say that while Steve doesn’t identify as a religious Jew, Judaism is inextricably tied to Steve’s personhood forever.
If religious Judaism doesn’t personally matter much to Steve, why, then, am I converting? It’s a good question, but the answer is one that almost defies logic.
I actually already know a whole lot about Judaism already (see: (B)oy Vey: A Lie, A Love Story, Back Story or Choosing Judaism ). I have many Jewish friends, I’ve participated in many of the holidays, I’ve memorized a few prayers in Hebrew and I am open to and welcome more Jewish cultural experiences. I even took Introduction to Judaism in college. I have the utmost respect and admiration for Judaism. In some ways I’ve even felt Jewish. Isn’t that enough? Nope. Let me further frame this situation with the following example:
Steve’s sister is married to a great guy who was born Jewish. Like me, though, he was raised more or less secular. When it comes down to it, at this point we arguably have the same amount of knowledge about Judaism. But, he didn’t have to go through a serious Jewish education and transformation process in order to marry Steve’s sister. Do I still need to convert to Judaism? Yes, preferably. Does this follow rationally? No, not exactly. Why doesn’t this make more sense? Because this is just the way it works. Life is complicated.
I don’t mean for any of this to sound condescending or judgmental (please don’t cry, please don’t send me hate mail); I just mean that things like tradition, family ties, community and belief systems in any religious or cultural setting, often don’t make complete sense to the “Outsider,” or the “Other” who is entering, observing and participating in a new culture, especially at the outset. I will try to put on my Anthropologist hat now and unpack the various issues:
Judaism is incredibly important to Steve’s family and their community. For Steve’s family and the Jewish community in which he was raised, Judaism is a tribe; it’s more of an ethnicity than a religion. While many religions provide observers with a shared history and theological framework with which to think about and live in the world, perhaps in no other modern religion is this phenomenon more pronounced than in American Judaism. Here, Judaism presents an organized system of values, shared history, and a deeply entrenched idea of self-hood that instills in many American Jews a deep sense of meaning, camaraderie, and at times, guilt.
Jews, by and large, are happy when “one of their own” succeeds (see: Albert Einstein, Sandy Koufax, Ruth Bader Ginsburg, Steven Spielberg, Jerry Seinfeld, Ann Landers, Judge Judy, Woody Allen) and they are dismayed when a member of the tribe transgresses (see: Bernie Madoff, Bugsy Siegel, David “Son of Sam” Berkowitz, Meyer Lansky, the Rosenbergs, Yigal Amir, Tila Tequila, Woody Allen). The Jewish people are also united by a common emotional bond, forged through centuries of threats, expulsion, marginalization, and holocaust. Unbelievably and sadly, these threats are still ongoing. And yet, Jewish sociocultural values are powerful and resilient. The emphasis on family, education, and perhaps even arguing for the sake of arguing have, at least in part, led to a disproportionate representation amongst business leaders, Nobel laureates, scientists and politicians and Hollywood celebrities.
Keeping this very central set of tacit convictions in mind, Steve and I talked out and planned the conversation we’d have with his parents. (We are anxious, neurotic, overachiever, planning-types). We anticipated that they’d tell us they wanted me to convert. We anticipated that the reason they’d give us is for the sake of family and community and Judaic continuity, citing the history of threat to that continuity (the Exodus from Ancient Egypt, the Chmelnitzky massacres of the 1640s, the Holocaust, and other such horrific attempts to eradicate Jews). And, yes, well, for the sake of Jewish grandchildren. After much discussion, we decided that though converting is not exactly our idea of a good time, and the face-value justification behind it might not stand up in a randomized survey of people on the street, it was better to just go with it. Since I’m willing to convert, and will embrace the process, why start an uncomfortable argument with his parents? Why upset them solely out of principle?
Sometimes our maturity literally astounds me.
As with most things in adult life, tackling an issue openly and head-on is usually the way to go. All the current literature on converting to Judaism, not surprisingly, recommends having an open and honest discussion with all family members so that everyone is on the same page and no one feels slighted. So, while Steve and I were back in good ol’ Newton, MA last spring, we called a family meeting in the living room of Steve’s parent’s house. We had The Big ‘C’ Talk (that is, the talk about conversion) with his parents.
Here’s an abbreviated excerpt from the conversion conversation, as I remember it:
Steve: So, as you know, we’re talking about the future and getting engaged and all of that.
Me: And, as you know, I’m not Jewish.
Steve’s Dad: Wait, you’re not?! (joking)
Me: Haha, right. So, we wanted to know how you felt about our future life together, especially with regards to your expectations surrounding religion.
Steve’s Mom: Well, our hope would be for you [Kate] to convert to Judaism, for you to have a rabbi preside over a Jewish wedding and should you eventually have children, we’d want for them to be raised Jewishly. Though you are already a member of this family, converting to Judaism would make you even closer to us.
Steve’s Dad: Yes, you see Judaism is sort of like a race –
Steve’s Mom: Oh shut up [Steve’s Dad]! That’s not it at all!
Steve: To be clear, we’d be doing this for you. We’re not doing an Orthodox conversion. And, we’ve looked into what it takes to convert. A Reform conversion is still a big commitment of time and resources. This isn’t what we want to do, but we’ll do it for you.
Steve’s Dad: We would never ask for an Orthodox conversion, so you should look into all the various options and find a synagogue that feels right to you. You might consider looking into a Reconstructionist conversion.
Me: The short answer is yes, I will convert to Judaism. I love Steve, and this family has been very important to me. You’ve supported me a lot over the years and done so much for me, that I’m willing to do this, like Steve said. And, yes, we will need to find a sect of Judaism and a synagogue we feel comfortable with.
Steve’s Dad: We’re happy to hear that.
Me: But, in some sense Steve and I will always be an interfaith couple since I’m not going to stop celebrating the holidays with my family. I hope that’s OK with you –
[Steve’s sister suddenly runs into the room]
Steve’s Sister: Hi, sorry to interrupt –
Steve: Not a good time!
Steve’s Sister: Where’s your bleach? Chloe just pooped in the tub. (Chloe is Steve’s niece. She was 18 months old at the time of this conversation).
Steve’s Mom: O-M-G
You can’t make this stuff up.
To summarize, I’m a non-religious Gentile who is engaged to a non-religious, culturally Jewish guy who doesn’t want to become religious. And, I’m converting to Judaism for him and his family so that I can technically be Jewish, while not religiously so. Got it? Put simply, I’m converting to Judaism for the jokes (that’s a joke!…that never gets old).
{Image credit: Robert Weber / The New Yorker Collection / http://www.cartoonbank.com <http://www.cartoonbank.com>
Convert Confidential 
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